It’s been a few months and a lot has gone on. This semester
has had so many more challenges than last semester. I suppose I should have
been anticipating it since all of the former students warned all of us that
this was going to be one of the hardest years of our lives. First semester was
so smooth sailing I had no idea what I was getting into coming back this
semester. There has been so much spiritual warfare and for a long time, I was
giving Satan the victory. However God’s really been at work in my life and
finally I’m starting to overcome and I’m giving the victory back to God.
So about a week after we got back here, all the students
went to camps for two weeks to help out and practice our Spanish. I was sent to
Camp Brittany both weeks. I absolutely loved it there. It was run by the people
at the Spanish speaking church I attend on Sunday mornings which finally gave
us a great opportunity to get to know everybody. The first week of camp, all the campistas (the
campers) were between the ages of six and eleven. And I absolutely loved it I felt
like I was using a lot of Spanish and not having to think about it too much
either. I talked to a lot of the campers too, they absolutely loved the gringos
(white people). The second week, the campers were between the ages of thirteen
and eighteen. Although I didn’t feel as involved with the campers by helping with
them, I realized that I have a passion for the jovenes (the teens) here in Costa
Rica. I never would have ever imagined that. Ever. I have always been such a
little kid person but, I really love building relationships with the teenagers
here. They are the ones that my heart aches for. The kids are still so innocent
but the teens; they each have a story, and most of the time it’s written all
over their faces. At camp, I realized that I have a purpose here in Costa Rica
and that meant I knew I would be back at some point.
Little did I know that God had in mind that I would be
coming back this upcoming year. I got back from camp the second week and Andy asked
me to come into the office and he asks me if I would be interested in coming
back as the intern next year. I was shocked and scared and excited and confused
and about a billion other emotions all at once. Not only was I being asked to
come back but I found out some other things about the internship that I just wasn’t
expecting. As soon as Andy finished talking to me, I walked out to the front
porch where my friends Ben and Madison were sitting and I just started to cry. At
that point I did not want to be an intern and I just didn’t understand what God’s
plan was through all of this. After talking to Ben and Madi for a little while,
I started feeling better about it. However, I still wasn’t completely convinced
I wanted to do it. That night I prayed about it and I woke up feeling more at
peace about it. I called Mama and Daddy and talked to them about it and they
pretty much implied they wouldn’t be supportive of anything else but me coming
back down here next year. I prayed more about it and I talked to Andy later
that evening and I told him I was going to come back. I think that was the only
time I have actually been excited genuinely excited about coming back. (Yes, im
still struggling with the idea that I’m going to be back here next year but it’s
getting better.) Just about as quick as the excitement came it left again and
the spiritual warfare has been relentless since.
Shortly after telling Andy yes bout coming back, I completely
lost all desire to be here this year and forget about next year. I had no idea
why God wanted me here, I felt so alone, I was believing lies about myself that
I dealt with all throughout high school, my Spanish wasn’t improving. I just
wanted to be home. I spent the majority of the next two weeks alone in my room
having pity parties for myself. I slept a lot more than usual and just
completely wasted my time. I couldn’t get myself to journal or write letters, I
just didn’t want to do anything. I soon realized I was being pathetic and that I
was just making things worse for myself because I was isolating myself. So I started
returning to the villa and hanging out with people but I still felt miserable
and I had zero joy and God didn’t seem to care about me anymore so I was on my
own. I started living to make myself happy for the moment and was acting really
immature. I mean there is only so much you can do here but I pushed the rules
and fought my conscience. And ya know what? It only made me feel even more
miserable. It took the death of one of the sweetest human beings I have ever
met to let God be in control again. Mireya, was one of the ladies who worked at
the villa she had the biggest servant’s heart I have ever seen. She was
energized by helping others. When Eron had us all gather in the living room Thursday
morning, he told us that she had been having stomach issues and that she
refused to go to the doctors for a while and she had died early that morning. We
were all dumbfounded. People started crying and others were mad and there I was,
no emotion at all, I was completely numb. I stood up furious at God. Why was he
so distant? Why did he stop caring? Why was I so miserable? Why was I in
freaking Costa Rica? I went to my room and I started writing a letter to God
just telling him how mad at him I was and how confused. Not too much longer
after that, the lyrics “I need you to soften my heart to break me apart I need
you to open my eyes to see that youre shaping my life” came to mind and I broke
down and was alone crying out to God with my face down on my bed sincerely praying,
apologizing, giving control back to Him. I felt as if 681 tons of bricks were
lifted from me. God was in control again. A few days after that, I had to lead
a group to this town called Gaucimo (about1 and 30mins away by bus). I had only
been there one other time and I was scared to death. The group I was given was
a challenging one for anybody. Saturday March 2, 2013 I woke up at 5:30am so
that I could be ready to leave by 6. I was so scared I could hardly eat
breakfast. I thought for sure I was going to throw up. I spent that whole
morning praying to God to watch out and help me be a leader and for the group
dynamics. I still had very low expectations for this week. We get to the bus
station and are waiting in line and Bethany (one of the SCORE missionaries who
is regularly at the villa) shows up and she said she was coming with us. God
was in control. It turned out to be a fantastic weekend. I really don’t think
it could have gone any better.
That following Wednesday, I decided to fast and God really
used that time completely bring every part of me back to him. Since then I have
been so on fire for learning more about God. I have two designated times that I
read the bible each day and I am genuinely upset if I miss one. This afternoon I
had trouble putting down the Bible because I just wanted to keep reading and
learning more about God. God is at work
in me. I still have a long long ways to go but as scared as I am for what He
has in store I am ready. I am praying that God will be working in my life so
that I can be the best friend, daughter (to my parents and God), sister (to my sibling
and brothers and sisters in Christ) that I can be. I am ready for the
challenge. I know God is on my side and I can do all things through him. I am
also really struggling with being selfless. My pride needs to be completely
wrecked. Please come along side of me and be praying with me for those same
things.
Other Prayer Requests:
The group dynamics of the interns next year. Ben, Hope, Garrett and I will all be
returning as interns and the devil is working so hard to tear us apart.
Group unity, there are just about 2 months left here and
there is still so many people who have not completely showed up here.
My Spanish
Wisdom about what to do this summer
If you have any questions or want to know about something
just comment and I will write another blog entry about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment